Opening myself up to you
I started this evening by proposing that I write a personal ad with the title "willing to settle." Now, instead, I am inspired. Inspired by Venus. Actually, inspired by something she said to me:
You are just coming out of your twenties and are coming into your own. Men become men in their 30's. Now, you must find a woman who is also at the same stage of life as you. A girl in her twenties is a twit, they dont know if they are coming or going. There are some exceptions but I am of the mindset that a woman closer in age to you is what you should be looking for.
A fair point.
Now, my inspiration is broader, actually, than just Venus. It's Lex and Les. It's Lauren and Alchamides. It's also my parents, married 40 years this December, and this post by Irina in New York. It's the blonde I saw on the M5 today, carrying her groceries, about whom I thought "man, it would be nice to have someone to cook for and split errands with and share with." That was unexpected. I also thought "and she looks tall enough to put her legs over my shoulders" but of course, what else was I suppose to think? It was the first time in a long time that I looked at a woman and thought "hmm, share a life?" and not just "hmm, shiny thing."
Now I realize what my problem is, what my problem was with Surfette, and where I'm going to next. My problem? I'm tired of random bar-fucks. I've had a fair number of takedowns in bars, probably my share and maybe yours too, and I realize that the problem with it is that it's like cotton candy sex. Sure, it can be fun and hot and drunken and addlebrained, but as those of you who have had them can attest, you get sick if you have too much and it makes you hyper and gets to be too much pretty quick. I crave something deeper.
And my problem with Surfette? She was a "check the box" girl - she checked the boxes of the things that I'm looking for in a woman and I thought "well hell, so this could be it." Ever meet someone and in their story you're one thing, but in yours they're another? Yeah, in Surfette's story I was the bar hookup. In mine, she was too, until I got to know her and realized she was awesome. Mistake. I knew it was a mistake when I was out there and I bought a t-shirt (at her instance) that read "what do you expect, we met at a bar" and she pointed out that I should wear it to the bar I met her at to pick up women with. Voila, our stories were too different to reconcile.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not done prowling, not completely. I'm still me. But it's exhausting and getting to be less fun as I get older. I feel like, uh... when a cow gets old and loses an eye, or its ability to be milked, the farmer takes it and puts it in a different pasture so it won't have to... fight...with the priests. No, that's not it. I feel not bored either. But I feel like something's missing in what I've been doing. It was fun and all when I was younger, but I'm not that man anymore. We learn, we change. If we didn't we'd still be pissing our diapers, and the only people I know who do that are people who pay Mistresse Matisse good money for the opportunity. We learn. We grow. Our needs change. Shiny things aren't what I need right now - I need one ultra shiny thing. Clearly, it's pretty key that in the bedroom she wants to submit, but not to anyone, but to someone worth submitting to.
It hit me tonight at around 11:30 when I was in Times Square blowing off steam after a very long and work-laden weekend. Tai Chi, a half dozen friends from college, and a handful of friends from work are all having kids. Not just getting married, they're married already. Having kids. Except TaiChi, but he's engaged, and I always thought he was slower than the rest. Which means that I'm fairly well behind. Now, it's not a race, but it IS something to think about - I don't want to be 60 when my first child is 20 if I can avoid it. But by the same token, I'm not looking to settle down just because "it's time." Tricky and complicated, no? But then, it's hard work being me.
So why am I telling you this? Because the Internet has been good to me so far, and I think that the Internet will continue to be good to me. I am looking to date. The question I pose is - can a sex blogger (or whatever category you place me in) find love and happiness? I know that it's the question we all ask ourselves. I'm asking it now too. Living in New York, balancing school and a fairly hardcore job, looking for love. I feel like so many others here, except that I have one secret weapon. And you're looking at it. Well, you probably can see it a little bit askance. It's you. You the reader. I need help. You've gotten to know the intimate side of me. Now, I admit that we bloggers all suffer from Online Personality Syndrome, but I can tell you that I've got friends who read this blog who hear no cognitive dissonance in the voice here and the voice they hear when I speak. One friend said the blog sounds "more like a writer" but otherwise is the same. This is me. I don't change myself for this place because until recently nobody knew who I was, and now that everyone who does does, I'm somehow not bothered.
Here's what I'm doing now. I'm asking for your help. I don't know what the outcome of it will be and I don't know what the mechanics will be, but I'm asking for your help. I am looking to date. Know someone who you think would like to date me? Send them my way. Have some advice on what I should do to change my life to make it more dating/settling down friendly and less bar-fucky? Bring it.
I've done internet dating, but I'd consider doing it again. I could, in fact, put up an anonymous personal ad for the "Bad Man" if you think it would help. Or write my dream-personal for what I'm looking for.
Yes, I'm aware of the Marry Blair stigma. Not going down that full-on route, I don't think. I have no idea where this is going to go. But it is, like most things I've done, an experiment. So. Hello Internet. Open to suggestions and anything else.
Comments
That's actually a nice place to get to...when you realize that you don't NEED to be with someone, but that you want to. This post is actually kind of sweet, I remember my male friends going through this progression of thoughts, too.
Posted by: trouble | September 24, 2007 9:17 AM
The fact that we're living on two different continents makes it a bit difficult for me to give you any kind of advice. And I would want to, really.
It's just... For example, as far as the online dating goes I don't think it serves the purpose these days. At the beginning people were actually honest with each other on those sites but right now it's about who has more friends, who got wooed the most and stuff like this. It's very difficult to actually find somebody who honestly is looking for a relationship.
Plus I was always a bigger fan of meeting in person.
So why don't you, instead of a bar, go look for a girl in a coffee shop or a park or whatever you people have in New York. Because between me and you, when you get picked up in a bar or during a party... It's rarely about something more meaningfull.
I'm just saying
Posted by: Jane | September 24, 2007 11:09 AM
Trouble - I agree, I'm quite happy to be here now. A new adventure, so to speak.
Jane - I'm not sure what the other places ARE in the city, that's the trouble. I don't want to do, say, the Opera, since I don't like Opera. I don't have a pet so the dog run is out. New Yorkers, have suggestions? Others too, clearly, but I get the impression after 10 years that New York is a weird environment...
Posted by: Bad Man | September 24, 2007 11:19 AM
Well, the first thing you need to decide is how important this blog is to you. Because, reality is, even if you keep this thing from whomever you date, they will likely end up finding it as you have a tendency to like to share. You will never meet someone of quaility who enjoys or allows their love life/sex life written about on a blog. You will attract attention seekers, narcisists and variousother ne'er do wells. So choose.
We attract who we are, BM. Now, we've had our differneces in the past so please know I am sayign this from a place of sinncerity. you like attention. You like to fuck. You like to get attention about how often or how good you fuck. You define yourself, at leats on here, by your fucking. Guess what that means? You will attract that in a mate. Who you are here is not who you are in "real life?" Maybe not on a conscious level, but you can be sure that you attract women who are, like you, wanting committment but fearing it.
I agree with your friend above. Online Dating is dire these days and those sites are full of the walking wounded. You reveal so much about your true personality in your writing that you will not be able to avoid attracting a specific type of woman. I'll be happy to volunteer to review a profile for you once you've written it, but I string advise against online dating.
I also would suggest that you stop going out by yourself. That alone sends a distinct message. Women either perceive you as a predator (in which case you'll attract women looking for just sex) or as damaged/lonely 9in which case you'll attract the wounded birds who think you and she can bond over your lonliness.)
Posted by: Moxie | September 24, 2007 12:35 PM
First of all: "Willing to settle"? Good luck with that one. Mainly because you aren't really, are you?
Second of all: Don't rule out meeting your future Baby Mama in a bar. Not everyone who likes to go out and flirt and maybe go home with excitingly dangerous men isn't always going to not want more. Women are no more 2D cardboard cutouts than you are.
Third of all: Venus is right. Maybe you need to concentrate more on women who are in the same place you are mentally. You'd better find out where they hang out on a Saturday night.
Fourth of all (God, I wish I'd never started this "of all" thing): You're already facing in the right direction. You know what you want and what you don't want. Now you have to stop settling, by running after the easy game, and take your time with the more likely prospects.
Last: Writing really isn't a bad way to attract people, especially if you're honest and aren't trying to sell yourself (which I don't believe you are).
Last of all: Yeah, I really have no constructive advice (I'm tired, and I think I fried my brain with all those double and triple negatives up there, which may or may not have ended up where they were supposed to).
Posted by: Z | September 24, 2007 1:35 PM
I say that whoever said that you can't have blog and a partner of worth, is not entirely right. It is possible, it works for me, although with some reservations on his part. I actually think that it's not easy to meet people who would want something serious AND be kinky in the vanilla world, so that's one of the way to meet them is through this blog. But I too did tell you that you should go to coffeshops and such instead of bars. In fact, if I were you, I would cut down on bar going altogether.
Posted by: Severine | September 24, 2007 7:51 PM
Hey BM -
As a fellow New Yorker, my advice would be to check out the listings in Time Out New York (for options other than opera), or to try Meetup.com (it's not a dating site, but a site for meeting people who have similar interests). I had great luck w/ meetup (it's where I met my current bf). As for finding submissive girls specifically: (1) I'm sure you've found that your blog helps ;); (2) Just bring it up in conversation. Recently someone "accidentally" thought that I said "s&m party," even though I'd said nothing of the sort. Nonetheless, I started thinking "ooh, maybe he's into that."
Posted by: M.H. | September 24, 2007 9:05 PM
Meetup.com is a great way to meet people. Although the "adult" groups are usually run by club promoters with no real investment in what the members really want or ar looking for. You could try OneLegUp.com, too. She offers good events and the people are pretty attractive.
Posted by: Moxie | September 25, 2007 11:20 AM
Even meeting someone relatively submissive isn't that hard online. Just watch for the girls who have "secretary" on their list of favorite movies. ;)
Posted by: trouble | September 25, 2007 1:38 PM
Hey Eric! So glad to see you're back... I haven't seen you in forever (was sorry I missed you at my combined birthday party last month, but you know Sid is having one later-- hope to catch up with you then!). I know you like dogs-- could you take care of one while in school? I did, throughout half of law school, and she really helped me meet people, and just be more social in a friendlier way (ie with both men and women). Also, she's a bundle of joy... will try to think of other places to meet quality girls...
Posted by: 7M | September 26, 2007 7:54 AM
Dogs are like children. They require lots of attention. Cats on the other hand don't, but its awkward walking your cat trolling for friends.
Posted by: fo4 | September 26, 2007 12:44 PM
Well, can I suggest that as you're in NYC, you contact Viviane (from Vivane's Sex Carnival) and see if you can get an invite to the next Perverts Tea Saloon or maybe try and go along to the next Pleasure Salon where you're bound to meet lots of like-minded people. There's an incredibly supportive sex-positive community right on your doorstep. I wouldn't rule out the internet either - I've met lots of really great men on the web, most of whom I continue to see. The main thing is to be happy on your own. When the right person comes along, you'll know it. The trick is not to try to hard to find what may be right on your doorstep. Good luck on your journey.
Posted by: Suzanne Portnoy | October 7, 2007 8:08 AM