A Bad Man in a Bad Place

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By way of update, The Writer and I are no more. As I’m sure was obvious from my last post on preemptive rejection.

In fact, I’m currently alone in the world, and feeling that way. Perhaps that’s what drew me back here?

I just paid for another year of hosting this site.  I am not entirely sure why I did so, other than that once the bill arrived I felt obliged to pay it.I’m still around and alive, perhaps that was a hiatus.  One of the major problems I have with this project is that you can’t unring this bell.  There are things I’ve done here that I’m not proud of, things I’ve recorded that show a side of me that I’m not sure I approve of, and while it’s true that it’s all part of my past, the fact that the line between anonymous and not is well and truly blurred causes me some stress.I haven’t had any offers, which surprised me, to buy the domain.  It’s a decent one, established early enough on the web that it’s out of the Google Sandbox.  Of course, selling the domain worries me too - people know it’s mine, G-d Forbid the new owner does something either immoral or illegal with the site.  So I haven’t sold it.It’s summertime in New York.  The weather is stunning, the women are out in dresses that cling to their asses as they walk, and I rather like it.  So.  This domain and this site gets a minor reprieve.  We’ll see if it gets more. 

I don’t have anything more to say right now.

I don’t really feel like keeping up this blog at this point. I don’t know what to do with the domain here - I’d considered selling it but I’m concerned about what someone might do with the site.

I’m open to suggestions and offers.

It’s been a pleasure writing for you, I’ve appreciated your input and suggestions over the years. Now, for a time at least, it’s time to go it alone.

UPDATE: I have deleted my flickr account and tumblr blog, too. This has been a wonderful experience for me, I’ve met some very interesting and lovely people, honed my writing skills, and indulged my fantasies. This site has allowed me to grow, to change, and to face the world in ways that I never was able to previously.

However - I’d gotten mired in it all and there is too much else in my life to stick with this site or this identity. I don’t know what I’m going to do with the domain, as I said above, but don’t expect any more blog posts here.

This is simply a repost of what the always sexy Marcelle just posted. I owe Z a debt of gratitude for help she gave me last year, and as such, I feel honor bound to pass this along. If $1,000 is raised by my readers, I will post a shot of myself topless. If you donate, email me with the amount you’ve donated and I’ll keep a running tally.

Want to see your favorite bloggers topless and otherwise undressed? Of course you do. And now you can, for a good cause.

The ever-resourceful Cake has created a fundraiser; see details at Indiscretion, weblog of the brilliant Marianne.

Basically, this is a fundraiser for our friend Z, of The Naked Truth. Everyone falls on hard times, and recently it’s happened to Z. Our goal is to raise $3000 to help her out. I’ve already donated what I could, as have several others. If we meet our goal, some of the sexiest bloggers on the web have agreed to bare their naughty parts. And you get to see them.

I promised Marianne that I’d make an announcement on my blog. After all, she and Z have both been great mentors to me in life, love and blogging. So get out there and donate, by clicking on this link! We’re still a long way from our goal. And if we make it, I just might run a little matching funds program of my own on Sexegesis, by treating my readers to some naughty pics myself. So, how’s that for an extra incentive?

Seriously. At the very least, go check out Z’s site. She’s great. Once you’ve read her, I know you’ll want to help. (If for no other reason than to see the free porn!)

Love to all,
Marcelle

Now, while I assume that my readers alone won’t raise $1,000, hopefully, all of us together can make a difference. And who knows, my readers are some of the best in the world, so we might just see the topless picture of me after all…

Cancelled my account there.  I really don’t like their privacy policy and I really don’t like their new “friends you may know” functionality.To all of you that made friends with me, I appreciate it.To those of you that thought of doing so but didn’t, here’s an opportunity to just email me instead.  It’s ok - I don’t bite.  Well, not in ways you won’t like, anyway. 

Dear Readers - I promise you a post very soon.  This is the video that triggered it.  In the meantime, I’m rolling along over on Tumblr.    

New York’s auto show has some serious Booth Babes. (Via Instapundit)

With regard to my Tumblr blog, for which I have been taking some flack, I’d like to put the following out there:

I am a straight guy. These are the things that turn me on. If they don’t turn you on, or you don’t find them sexy, feel free to look elsewhere.

I spent too much time in the sex blogging community and it warped me a bit. I started to question my own sexuality, what I liked and disliked, in a very “umm, maybe I’m doing it wrong?” sort of way. Then I realized that I was letting other people dictate what I should and shouldn’t like to me, and that’s just silly. So long as the boundaries of good taste are respected, and bad taste so long as it’s consensual, what gets me off is what gets me off. Calico said it best when she said:

Our rules should give us permission to live. It’s easy to forget that we are who feminism is trying to save.

Clearly, that’s not about me because as a member of the patriarchy I should have no rights (just kidding, and you know who you are that I’m teasing…) but what’s good for the gander should be good for the goose - I shouldn’t have to apologize for the fact that FFM is hot to me, and I like women that are skinny, as MMF is not hot to me, and I also like women that are Zaftig. I like blowjobs and rough blowjobs, I’ve got a sadistic streak and virtually no masochistic streak. I am me and what I like, and my Tumblr reflects what I like.

It also reflects where I’m at about blogging right now. I’m having pornstar quality sex right now in rockstar quantities. If you can imagine something a boy would like to do with a girl, I’ve been doing it. I haven’t been interested in describing it because, as Lily pointed out:

“I too, if I may mention myself, have always known that my destiny was, above all, a literary destiny—that bad things ings and some good things would happen to me, but that, in the long run, all of it would be converted into words. Particularly the bad things, since happiness does not need to be transformed: happiness is its own end.” (Jorge Luis Borges.) That is, it’s kinda difficult to write when you’re happy.

So True. For those of you that have been worried about me, thank you for your emails. For those that complain about my Tumblr blog, I propose you get your own and then email me the link and I’ll link to it from mine. It’s a fun way to kill a few hours. Finally, to the rest of you, I hope you’re doing well. Comments always appreciated. Comments on the archives are still open and will be for the foreseeable future. If you want to discuss things that happened in the past or comment on concepts discussed in the past, that’s open and available to you too.

I miss you all, but I don’t have much to say about it right now.

Also, still looking for an intern. Always will be, I think, since nobody who replied is local, with the exception of one person, and she thought it was a paid position.

I’ve been living a pseudonymous life here for nearly five years.  I’ve been fairly careful, although not embarrassed, about maintaining the level of anonymity that I’ve got which is by no means total, but I by no means identify who I am.

For the first time in five years, today I feel like I may have screwed up.  If you are coming here because of a comment I made on your posts at Flickr and you’ve identified me that way, I ask that you discuss with me in person, and keep my identity to yourself.  As I ask everyone who knows who I am to do.

Have you ever been in this position?  I’m doing some research right now, as you may have heard, on pseudonymity and our lives online.  If you’re pseudonymous and can spend 2-4 minutes answering a few simple questions, can you leave me a  comment and/or send me an email?

I’ve had a crisis of blogging confidence today.  I had a moment of “why am I bothering?”

I’m not sure I know the answer.

I do appreciate and love the support you’ve shown me, and I will say right here and now that this is NOT a hiatus message, nor a note that I’m taking down the blog (again).

It’s a question that I’m trying to come to grips with.  I used to tell friends that I was a drinker with a writing problem, but now I seldom drink.  I’m having amazing, mind blowing, steroid monkey sex with The Writer, and writing about it has been fun.

But.

I’ve never been interested in the slippery bits.  I don’t read fictional blogs (if I know they’re fiction) and I don’t read erotica and other than having a quick wank, I rarely read sex blogs unless there’s an actual story unfolding.  I remember the erotica of alt.sex.stories, which now I realize was often probably real life reportage just like this.  I remember masturbating to stories, and I still remember some of them.  “The Bet”  “Sex Shop Girl” something where a thief character was named Window Sil.  They were lovely.  But I’m damn sure I know why I was reading those - it was for the heat and the wank.

But this has become something different.

I was told not long ago that it’s been an interesting story to read from the beginning.  In 2002 I was getting over heartbreak from dating The Cuban and desparate to figure out who I was and why I was having so much trouble with relationships.

By 2003, I’d sort of figured it out and then in 2004 I was running around like mad.  I was a dating blogger, not a sex blogger, and I was, and am, more interested in how you get to the slippery bits than the slippery bits themselves.

Then, in 2007, I wrote a single post and suddenly people thought I was this great big dom, scary master guy.  I took a look down that road and that’s not who I am.  I’m not up for 24/7, and while I do like to work a girl over now and then, unlike most doms, I believe that pain is for pleasure for both of us, not just my own.  I don’t think that women are objects, and I don’t think they belong on pedestals.

So I’m in a bit of a confusing place right now.  Ever since I’ve started to see The Writer I’m really happy.  I mean, really, she’s lovely.  Smart, sexy, and you’ve read about the kind of mind blowing sex we’re having.  But I’m not terribly interested in describing that kind of sex.  The one experiment I did in just straight sex blogging was hot, to be sure, but could neither capture the flavor of how hot the actual experience was, nor was it as interesting as it could have been.

Which may be why I’ve been spending much more time finding lovely photos and videos for my tumblr blog than posting to this site.

I considered briefly giving advice, but Z’s entirely reasonable question of where I’m getting my ideas from goes unanswered.  Same place that most sex columnists get their answer - years of careful study of my navel and what sounds good.  So that idea is now firmly dead.  Plus, last time I did it, it didn’t work out well.  I’ll leave the advice to Moxie, who is a trained professional.

I admit that I have a hard-on for your comments, I check those and my referer logs about a million times a day.  But then, so does every other blogger.  What, other than pushing the happy “someone validated me” button does that acheive for my life?  Maybe nothing.  Maybe that’s the button that wasn’t getting pushed that needed to be hit and you’ve been hitting it for me.  I don’t know.

I will say that when one of my readers (and she knows who she is…) sent me an unsolicited naked picture of herself, I masturbated to that for an evening.  Both the picture (damn, my readers are HOT!) and the idea that I’ve turned someone on so much that they wanted to do that.  So that’s worth something.

I joined Facebook, at least in part, to look the other direction through the blog.  To see who you are and to get a good look at you.  And a few funny things happened.  First, I went and saw you, my readers.  My original assessment - that you guys are really hot, was given more support.  Second, I started going through my archives and seeing the path that I’ve taken to get here and started to get a sense of where here is.  Here’s a good place.  I’ve got further to go and more to do, but here’s a good place.  Third and finally, I realized that those who said that I’m “not really a sex blogger” or as Viviane once pointed out, that I’m the most vanilla of the New York sex blogging scene, were right.

I think my frustration has come after reading so many other adult blogs and trying to figure out what they’re doing - can I capture that and increase my traffic and blah blah blah.  And then I remembered what I said to Moxie, ages ago, in a fit of pique:

I’ve been asked why I do this. I do this purely for fun. I do this because I enjoy doing it, and I do it for me. Eden said it best when she said that her methodologies are to make sure it stays fun for her. As soon as it stops being fun, and starts either being work, or being taken too seriously, I’m done.

Moxie and I have long since reconciled, but for my part, I still feel the same way.  I haven’t liked, of late, the direction that this blog is going.  It’s not interesting to me.  The sex I’m having is VERY interesting to me, but the writing of it felt more like I was doing it for you or for Fleshbot (or for you if you ARE Fleshbot) or for whatever else.

I guess that’s a very long way of saying that I feel a bit like I’ve lost my way on this blog.  I have no idea what that means for the future of reading this site, I just know that writing this has felt like lifting a burden off my shoulders that I’ve been carrying for your opinion.  I do cherish your comments and hits and links.  I cherish your emails and most of all the naked pictures you send me (ok, maybe not most of all, but still, HOT!!)  But I needed to point out that I’m going back to my regularly scheduled programming of writing for me.  If you want to see what that’s like, check the archives in ‘04 in particular.  Less slippery bits, more of how you get to the slippery bits.

If that’s going to be a problem, may I suggest you click along the blogroll over there?  If it’s not, well, I encourage you to keep reading.  I feel like I’ve turned a bit of a corner on this blog, having tried the sex stuff and found it not hugely useful to me.

Having said that, The Writer and I are talking about improving her pussy eating technique and picking up girls and how much I want to tie her to another girl, crop them both, and then fuck them while they’re tied together.  And that’s just to get started.  I don’t know what I’m going to write about that part.  But I’m going to write about it for myself, and I hope you enjoy it too, rather than writing it for you, since I have no idea what makes you tick.  As Caesar said: iacta alea est.  And for you Roman History nerds out there, I prefer Lewis and Short’s translation to the more traditional view.  It comports better with my understanding of Caesar’s personality.  But I digress.

Having said that, I open the floor to your thoughts, comments, etc.  I encourage you to friend me on Facebook and follow me on twitter etc, which you can find at the side.  I just don’t think that I’m going to make this place into the Bad Man empire I once considered.  It’s for fun, not profit, and it’s for me, first and foremost.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts, if any, and if you’ve been able to get through this far.  And I look forward to seeing the direction that this goes, now that I feel less constrained than I did up until now.