I broke down
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I broke down and did it. It, her, the 20 year old. Definitely an ambivalent moment for me, remembering when I was 20 and envying the 30-something men who were sleeping with the girls I was crushing on, and then accepting that this is just the order of things and living with that.
The fact is, it was really good. It was uncomplicated, straightforward, and I wasn’t all in my head about what it meant or anything at all. I was totally sober, and we have just been flirting with each other for a few weeks, and that heightened the whole thing.
I know that there may be awkward repercussions of this, one or both of us may end up feeling more attached than we ought, but frankly, once in awhile, I just need an experience like this. Totally out of left field, good, and sexy. It reminded me of one Friday Night in its intensity and violence. A 20 year old who thinks she’s a masochist, who moans wildly when scratched, bitten, or restrained. It was like sex was before The New Yorker, which is to say, uninhibited.
She came over on the flimsiest of pretexts, had asked me to kiss her and throw her into a wall (I obliged), and then to have my way with her. I resisted for a full month until that morning, when I finally relented and said she could come over.
We fucked a few times, and there were a few funny moments. I’d been pointing out, time and again, that our age differential would be an issue. She assured me, over and over, that it wouldn’t, that she was ready, etc etc etc. So it came as no surprise when she looked down after riding me for awhile and said “I’m like a wild dog chasing cars, I wouldn’t know what to do when I caught one.” She was quoting the Joker back at me. While fucking me. I mean, come on. This was starting to be not fair.
We woke up late and tumbled around some more. She got up to leave, but I threw her down on the bed and had my way with her again. After that, I told her that she could go. She dressed and left, smiling.
There were conflicting reasons that I did this. Part was a tag teaming by Lex and Axe telling me that if she’s of age and this interested it would be rude not to. So peer pressure, check.
There’s the fact that I saw the Sous Chef again on Friday night and got my head fucked with a bit more. It hurt, and perhaps I used the 20 year old’s body like a bandage, her calming influence soothing me in a minute of distress.
And maybe it’s just that I wanted to and that I was self indulgent because I could be. Because she’s 20 and cute and interested, because in the last year I’ve had some really unsettling sex and I needed something sweet. I don’t have a huge description but there was a different feeling to it than to a lot of the sex I’ve had lately. Less expectations, less intensity, an uncomplicated happy event. God, I needed that.
I was resisting in part because, well, how do you say you’re “on the path to marriage” and have that comport with fucking a 20 year old who is interested in you because you didn’t flinch when she suggested some very aggressive, advanced level BDSM shit? How do you accept six pack abs who just want you to fuck them, when you’re trying to refocus your energy? It has to be ok to slip up once in awhile. I mean, this is all new territory for me. I like this girl, she’s a sweet young thing. We both know that it’s not serious, but we’re both very attracted to each other, so what’s the harm? None, I hope.
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Yes!!!! Someone takes my advice and it works out!!!
This is almost as much of a win for me as it is for you!
Oh and this marks the first and last time Lex and I every tag team anyone.
axes last blog post..A Testament To Douchebaggery
In knowing what you want, and looking for and pursuing it, you have to remind yourself what you don’t, right?
We all make mistakes now and then, and it sounds like this was at least an enjoyable one (should you choose to classify it as such)
I think you’re wise not to over-intellectualize this. Sometimes you just have to give in to lust. And a thirteen-year age difference may not be the beast you think it is.
I totally agree with the ‘not serious’ thing so why not? At first I was like, oh no, but then when I realized that it wasn’t going to be serious (how could it be?) then I felt better. Good luck. :)
Aces last blog post..I’m Back!
20 year old’s ‘envying’ the older man sleeping with their girls they like need one thing. Better game.
Win for the bad man.
PublicServices last blog post..How to eat pussy like a champ
This whole post could have been written about a few situations I’ve had lately. Some of them practically word for word.
All I know is that when I was 20 I was nothing like the 20 year old women I meet these days. No wonder they went for 30 year olds back then. It all makes wonderful decadent sense now. Still I walk on eggshells, worried I will break them and their hearts. For all their fearlessness we are at least somewhat wise. Aren’t we?
Jacks last blog post..Sugasm # 152
sounds like a breathe of fresh air…No beating yourself up allowed, ok
I’m with mimi. No beating yourself up allowed. So long as you follow Savage Love’s rule for a younger lover - leave her better than you found her. Sounds like you’re doing that, so everyone wins (including your advisory council of Axe and Lex).
verbals last blog post..Maybe the grief isn’t still too raw…
I’m kind of happy for you and kind of disappointed in you. You had fun, you need to be reminded of what you are capable of, etc. But, really, wasn’t it kind of a step backwards?
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I’ve always said that I wanted a relationship that was healthy and drama free.Yet, I seem to be attracted to men that are bad for me. Which makes me wonder…maybe what I think I want isn’t really what I want or am capable of? Is it possible that you don’t really want the type of relationship you think you do? Or that you want a certain other kind of relationship more right now?
We had a good long talk a couple weeks ago. You gave me some great advice in regards to my current situation. I heard the longing in your voice for the relationship like what your parents have. I want you to be happy. What I don’t want is for you to get sucked into something that will actually keep you from getting what you want. You know as well as I do that this will not be the last time. have fun, by all means. But really be sure of what you want and by when you want it.
Moxies last blog post..Just How Easy Have Women Become?
Honey, just cause you’re maybe looking for something a bit deeper doesn’t mean you have to go all chaste along the way to finding it…
The Duchesss last blog post..Bullet Bitten…
I second the ‘Duchess’ comment.
You didn’t lie or mislead her. She wanted it under those conditions, you wanted it under those conditions, so it follows “The Law of Mutuality.”
CJ
The REAL Captain Jacks last blog post..JUST Be Yourself
I don’t think it was a mistake. It was a choice. Having casual sex with an enthusiastic partner doesn’t preclude you from looking for a serious relationship with someone else. You’re responsible for being kind to and honest with yourself and anyone you sleep with, and for making an effort to find the kind of relationship you want. You’re not required to be celibate while you embark on this search.
I’m not sayin’ it was wrong, I’m just sayin’ it’s never too hard to rationalize banging a hot 20 year old.
Mistake?!?!? Why, Kate-not-so-anon, why!?! I’m w/ Jack Sparrow and Lily on this one. Not that you needed me to tell you this, sInce I said as much last week. I’m glad to hear you guys had a good time. Go (Good)MAN go!
No humans were hurt in the process, right? Sounds like fun.
Only problem I forsee is that if you both enjoyed it, you’ll want to do it again. Someone will get attached, maybe both. All relationships end, someone will get hurt. But that’s life. As long as everyone is on the same page and upfront it’s a good thing as Martha would say. If anything, it might strengthen your desire to find a real partner that you can share that intimacy and trust with. In the meantime, why not have fun?
No harm, no foul. She’s old enough to know what she was doing. I was doing the same shit when I was 20 and if someone tried to convince me I was too young or didn’t know what I was getting into I would’ve laughed in their face (and rightly so). Enjoy it while it lasts. It probably won’t, for long.
SINgleGIRLs last blog post..A Little Self Promotion (Just a Little)
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