A Bad Man in a Bad Place

1. Everest Leigh Said,

   I know all this, but I still can’t get over the passiveness of most girls and how most of the time they act as if they don’t want it, say that they don’t want it, etc. but then they’ll suddenly flip and be completely the opposite. It’s not difficult to believe that they aren’t interested or thinking about sex if you don’t get to the point where they open up as they do a very good job of seeming as if they’re not.

2. Ace Said,

   This truely is this is the best post ever. Thanks for telling it how it is.

3. Lilly Said,

   Ok. How about this? I have a guy responding to my profile/ad. I didn’t go looking for him, specifically, but he knows damn well that I’m looking and I want to fuck. As encouragement, I replied back! Whoa. After some days of sexy emailing and exchanges of the internet variety, but no “movement” from him, I finally say something to the effect of “Hey, I like you, let’s meet soon”. I get hedging. I get hemming. Over the next few days, if I teasingly say something else to the same effect, it gets ignored. Now….just to be clear….HE contacted ME and told me alllll about how interested he was. He’s like a stalker with my blog, I can see him checking it 15 times a day.

   So, no. Even if we take them by the collar and shake the bejeezus out of them, they’re still not gonna get it.
   And ya know what? I would respond SO much more favorably to the stammered out come-on that you mentioned, than I would something contrived and smooth. Funny=sexy. Awkward can be sexy, it shows he’s real.

   I’m not sick, but I’m grumpy today too. I’m full of snark and cheek and wearin’ my walkin’ boots.

   Wow though, I almost can’t believe a guy wrote that post :P

4. Legs Said,

   Men. Be reassured. I like fucking.

5. Mariella Said,

   Coming from a someone in possession of slippery girl bits who tried, for at least four or five years, to get herself laid and could somehow only manage to make every guy in the world into her best buddy or surrogate brother, trust me, the idea of a woman looking for sex or physical intimacy of any kind isn’t a fallacy.

   My first kiss? Nineteen–while wasted in a bar in Paris, with a dude who just came up behind me and started dancing with me, who put his hands on me when no one EVER had before. That was huge for me. I honestly had no fucking clue how to show interest in a guy and make him feel comfortable with me without turning things plutonic so I NEEDED someone else to take that first step, to be aggressive.

   I can’t speak for all women–and I’m sure there are a more than a few of us out there who are just looking to innocently hold hands or boulster our own self-worth by cock-teasing ’til the cows come home–but I think I can safely say that most of us just want to be noticed and appreciated.

   We don’t go to bars to sit alone or absorb ourselves in conversation with our girlfriends, boys. Were that the case, we’d just stay home and use the ten-dollar cover to buy raw cookie dough and Cosmo instead.

   We’re out for a reason, we’re just not always ballsy enough to set our grand designs in motion. We need a little help–can’t fuck ourselves, y’know.

   LOVE your blog, Bad Man. A guy with real swagger–it’s refreshing.

   –Mariella

   Mariellas last blog post..Meta for your Morning

6. kateanon Said,

   Thank you for saying it. So you might run into the woman who rejects you or the woman who doesn’t want you. Don’t let her stop you from approaching the next one. I don’t mind being aggressive and taking the bull by the horns, but don’t slink back because things get awkward. If you want me, tell me, show me. If I know you, hell, there’s a good chance I’ve already thought about fucking you at least once.

   kateanons last blog post..Embarrassment

7. PublicService Said,

   I used to be the guy in Comic 1. I was head over heels in love with a girl who was constantly cheating on me. No matter how many roses I bought her, or nice dinners I took her on, or cute poems/love songs I would write for her - she would cheat, and lie, and act like she didn’t give a damn.

   I finally got away from the whole situation (after a ton of heartbreak) and went to the opposite end of the spectrum. A brief encounter with drugs, and a wild sex life landed me in another bad place. Now, this was a move in the right direction, I just feel that I ‘over-corrected.’

   Since then I’ve been focusing on balance… I am a man who knows what I want, and am not afraid to get it. I value myself, my opinion, and my emotions over those of people that I do not know (girls included). However, I’m not a selfish, cocky prick. Instead I’m an interesting person who opens up when someone ‘deserves’ to get to know me.

   Well, point of the story is… The girl who was cheating on me is now married with a baby. I ran into her and she was begging for me to have sex with her. I wouldn’t do it, and now she is getting her own place and separating from her husband. This is what she feels is her way of convincing me that she is serious about having sex with me.

   The ladies have done a great job of showing us they are sexual beings (who knew?), so that’s my story to prove that you CAN turn the tables and get the girl you want - even when you don’t want her anymore.

   PublicServices last blog post..Hello Hurricane!

8. Girl with a one track mind Said,

   Christ. I’ve spent almost five years blogging about how much I like fucking. And I wrote a book about it, too. And quite a few men have read it. You’d think some of them might have picked up on the fact that I represent a sizable majority of women, and that we all like fucking, wouldn’t you? Get a grip, guys: women need and want sex just as much as men. Some of us, even, much more so.

9. Captain Jack Said,

   There is an amazing chasm between male/female sexual communication.

   Like Bad Man says there are a LOT of men out there who simply don’t believe that women are as sexual (maybe even MORE) than we are… they won’t see it until something changes their mind. A couple of things changed my mind: My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday, Sperm Wars by Robin Baker and the Skill of Debriefing after my sexual encounters.

   The two books made me OPEN to the possibility enough to TRY to push things forward quickly but the Sexual Encounters and the Debriefing made it real.

   For those of you who don’t know a “Debrief” (sounds so technical…) is where you talk to the woman after sex about guys in general and specifically when she knew she wanted to fuck you, when she first noticed, how soon you could’ve kissed her, etc.

   I quickly found out that **I** was moving WAY too slow. Women were often cool with being kissed just 5-10 minutes into the interaction. Others told me they knew they WERE OPEN to fucking me after a few minutes of talking.

   This made me really re-think what I was doing. I moved from TRYING to convince them to coaxing things and guiding them to happen. To telling them subtly that I was aware of their sexuality and that I wouldn’t judge them for it. And, furthermore, It’d be something between us… no one else’s business.

   Then, things really took off.

   On the other hand, when women THINK (no, SWEAR TO GOD) that they are giving signals and signs that a blind man could see from 100 miles away but they are not being nearly as bold as they imagine.

   The comment above by Mariella echoes what I’ve been telling guys for a LONG time, “We don’t go to bars to sit alone or absorb ourselves in conversation with our girlfriends, boys. Were that the case, we’d just stay home and use the ten-dollar cover to buy raw cookie dough and Cosmo instead.”

   I can tell you this… most guys will COMPLETELY miss anything short of “Hey, big boy, your place or mine?”

   Sad, but true. It’s also why I do what I do… I think if the sexes could communicate better (especially the “nice” guys) the world would be a much better place.

   One of the reason both men and women don’t stick it out more stems from what I call Low Self-Approval:
   http://www.betheseducer.com/2008/05/low-self-approval-or-low-self-esteem/

   ~ CJ ~

   Captain Jacks last blog post..Let Me Know How You REALLY Feel About My Blog…

10. AJ Said,

    The reason you don’t think men or women are interested is because they aren’t interested in *you*. Men want romance, women want romance. But people are only attracted to a minute fraction of the people they’ll run into in their existence. So while everyone is hot and bothered. Hardly anyone is hot and bothered for you specifically, just as you will only hot and bothered for a very few people throughout your life.

    Parties in Berkeley, Oakland and San Fransisco are all the same. Scads of young fit, “ostensibly poly”, people sitting around drinking and complaining that there are no cute people in the entire bay area. Which may be true from everyone’s individual perspective.

    So yeah, the comic is a joke. Mr Comic guy should just tell Janice how he feels to have any chance at all, but chances are if Janice is interested in anyone right now, its the furry guy in the first panel who barely knows Janice exists.

11. Miscellaneous Sex Said,

    I am a woman. I like sex. I really can’t get enough fucking.

    I am shocked that as an attractive, mid-twenties women in a big city, I can’t seem to find a guy to fuck me silly a few times a week without strings or drama or complications.

    Is that so horribly difficult to believe?

    Miscellaneous Sexs last blog post..Spoiled

12. AJ Said,

    I know scores of men and women that think they’re “attractive”. They don’t realize that most everyone is not attractive to most everyone else. I’m 33 and I expected there to be a lot more attractive women in the world and to be attractive myself. Maybe books and movies set up this expectation? Turns out attraction is very rare and romance rarer still. If you’re young, best get a grip on this. You’re probably not going to end up a millionaire either.

13. Scorpio Said,

    Clearly, I like sex.

    Clearly, I like it often. Many times, more often than even my partner(s) express interest. I have no shame in that, I like what I like and I like it as often as I can get it.

    So, guys, FYI, this particular woman likes sex. And I’m certain I’m not the only woman like this …

    XOXOXO

14. axe Said,

    I have no doubt that women love sex just as much as guys. Men just seem to be more open/available/eager or.. something.

    There’s clearly some reason why women are 51% of the population yet a majority of the ads on craigslist are from men, 99.9% of sex workers are women and…well.. I could go on.

    Can’t wait to re-read the comments over and over.

    axes last blog post..Found Femdom: Jean Paul Gaultier & My Modeling Career

15. mer Said,

    omg this is the best post ever!!!

16. Wendy Juniper Said,

    Great post! Finally a man who realises girls like sex too. Most of the ones I meet seem to be under some kind of illusion that it’s only men that like casual (or not) sex, and that for most women it a completely emotional experience leading to them falling in love with every man they meet. It’s true I have fallen in love with a couple, but mostly it’s just been good fun.

    Why can’t they get their heads around that? Perhaps it’s the way some girls act. Really coy and as if thye aren;t interested. Maybe some aren’t. I actually have one friend who asked me (at age 26)

    ‘How do you know if you’ve had an orgasm?’

    Jesus Christ I said, if you don’t know you haven’t had one! I told her to go home and play with herself right now.

    She then told me she didn’t like the thought of ‘messing around down there.’ So there are some girls who aren’t into it I guess.

    But there are lots of have physical urges just like men. Me included. This doesn’t mean I can’t be monogamous- in a relationship I am totally with one person. But my sex drive doesn’t decrease. My bf now finds it hard to understand that I can have the same drive as him as he’s been told all his life that ‘it’s just not the same for girls.’

    It really is!!!

    He’s getting there. I think some girls act like they don’t want it becasue they don’t want to be seen as ’slutty’. What a horrible word.

    I have to say myself I’m not totally out there and say ‘fuck me now’, but i will let it be known subtely if i’m interested (when I was single anyhow). Now I just jump on the bf:)

    But yes well said badman, women fantasise, like men and even watch porn, alone and not at the suggestion of their boyfriend! (shock horror) We are sexual creatures too and the key to unlocking our desire is all in the communication- if you come accross as desperate we’re likely to reject you- it puts our backs up. If you come accross as funny, silly, friendly then we’re liekly to laugh, get a dialogue going and then you’re in with a chance. Little looks, a subtle touch here and there lets us know you’re interested. it works both ways too, i’ve done that to guys and you get a feeling whether you’ve a chance or not. If not, so be it, just have a chat. If you get the signals, go a littel further! It’s true I guess most girls want the guy to make the first move, but just be brave, go ahead and say something funny like Badman suggests. That would make me laugh anyhow.

    Wendy Junipers last blog post..Once

17. Mariella Said,

    I’m not sure Craig’s List is the greatest barometer for judging how eager women are to hop into bed with men. If anything, it just reiterates Bad Man’s point that guys are, by and large, so desperate to steer clear of the potential for face-to-face rejection that they’d rather put up a benign ad online, where the worst-case-scenario is that it goes unnoticed, or go to a professional, who they know won’t turn them down, instead.

    Both of those options seem impractical and a bit excessive. I know, myself, I don’t have the patience to weed through a thousand pictures of anonymous cocks with no personality attached, looking for a potential lover, and I sure as hell don’t have the cash to blow on an escort, so I just bide my time until something more promising comes along, elsewhere.

    If 51% of the population is female, it means you guys are surrounded by women, all day, every day, wherever you go. So why the hell are you coughing-up hard-earned cash and scouring the internet looking for something that’s right in front of you? It’s ludicrous.

    Just crack a smile–dare I say it, laugh!–and look like you’re having a good time, like you’re approachable and not a moody grump, and we’ll take notice. Believe me, we will!

    I think three-fourths of the battle in finding someone to be with is getting over the crap you’ve been telling yourself for years. I moved past it and my dance card has been packed ever since.

    Mariellas last blog post..Cherry Pie

18. Bellaforte Said,

    This woman said it perfectly, on Craigslist:
    “Just fucking fuck me already”
    http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/561877622.html

    Meanwhile, be reassured. Women like sex. We like it a lot. I, personally, would like it more if I could actually have it, but that’s totally beside the point. I like-nay, LOVE- sex, and just because you tell me that you thought about fucking me will not make me run screaming. Or most any other woman worth actually talking to. Seriously.

    Bellafortes last blog post..Playing with Jack

19. Jessica Said,

    Girls like sex, we do! As everyone else said, we won’t run screaming if you tell us you’ve thought about having sex with us (I may blush a bit though!)

20. Miscellaneous Sex Said,

    After thinking about this more, I wanted to respond to Everest Leigh’s initial comment:

    “I know all this, but I still can’t get over the passiveness of most girls and how most of the time they act as if they don’t want it, say that they don’t want it, etc. but then they’ll suddenly flip and be completely the opposite. It’s not difficult to believe that they aren’t interested or thinking about sex if you don’t get to the point where they open up as they do a very good job of seeming as if they’re not.”

    I think a lot of the reasons why women are hesitant to admit to or initiate sex are culturally ingrained. To put it simply, there aren’t masculine equivalents for the words “slut” and “whore”. In our society, women are looked down on for being promiscuous in a way that men simply are not. It certainly puts women in the position where it isn’t acceptable or comfortable for a “good girl” to admit to her own sexual feelings.

    Thank god I never felt that way.

    ~ MS

    Miscellaneous Sexs last blog post..Spoiled

21. nyugirlintown Said,

    I have no doubt that women love sex just as much as guys. Men just seem to be more open/available/eager or.. something.

    There’s clearly some reason why women are 51% of the population yet a majority of the ads on craigslist are from men, 99.9% of sex workers are women and…well.. I could go on.

    I think “discreet” or “surreptitious” may be the words you’re looking for (warning: generalizations ahead). When a guy wants to hook up with someone, maybe he opts to advertise it through Craigslist, broadcasting to the whole world that an anonymous guy is ready to meet a stranger for sex. I think a girl in the same situation would be more likely to work through existing social circles. She may have a friend or ex who would fill that gap, and nobody would know except the two people in the arrangement. So you wind up seeing tons of men’s public ads, and few of women’s, even if plenty of women have FWB arrangements too.

    Why? Generally, I think the benefits of choosing a known person can be greater for women — choose a friend, and you know he’s respectful, kind, trustworthy, responsible, attentive, not interested in kidnapping and killing you…really, the list goes on. Of course, it has its down sides. When my roommate wants NSA sex, the only appropriate person in her social circle is her ex. So she calls him, and it works short-term, but really, there’s a reason he’s an ex. She might do better to go outside her circle for that purpose, but that’s definitely not her (or my) first instinct.

22. Shaman Said,

    In response to the craigslist ad mentioned above (here’s a link to it in case you missed it), I’d like to quote this comment from Reddit that someone wrote when it appeared on there (Reddit is a social news site like Digg):

    “Dear Craigslist woman: I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re on the level. But here’s a handy one-step guide to what you need to do.

    #1. Learn to fucking communicate.

    Yes, I know you women are not particularly good at this, and clarity is not one of your strong points. I know you’re not used to the idea that you have to say what you want, instead of having the world somehow magically guess.

    But did it ever occur to you that it may be just slightly ironic that you are writing this on Craigslist instead of saying it to the men who need to hear it? Here you are, going on and on to the men of the world that they need to be more assertive, and you’re doing it in a safely anonymous online venue, and still expecting the guys you’re with to guess all this. How about you take responsibility for what you want? You’re so conditioned to communicate by dropping hints that when you think “I need to communicate clearly”, you think you need to drop better hints. It never even occurs to you to just fucking say it.

    And while you’re busy mourning the death of Manly McHardon, let me interrupt to say that he’s still out there. It’s just that he’s not dating, or at least not dating you. He’s tired of having to ask for everything, tired of being disempowered, tired of having to guess what you’re thinking, tired of women like you who think it’s his job to figure out what kind of woman you are, do exactly the right thing, and god help him if he missreads the signals. If you as a gender do your best to chop them off, then drive away the ones who still have them, you don’t get to say “Grow a pair.”

    If you want Manly McHardon back, you need to stop anonymously berating him (how much of a man would he be if he was meekly obedient to your safely anonymous demands?), and start understanding him. If he decides it’s too troublesome to play Guess-What-I-Want with you, that’s his fucking decision, and if you want to change that, you need to show him some fucking respect. Stop nagging him and start in on getting the Andrea Dworkins of this world to shut up, because they are how we got this way.”

23. mmapua Said,

    I’d like to add that it’s very important that once a girl gives you the opportunity to sleep with her, you better take it because she might not want to give you a second chance.
    So basically you can do more harm by not going for it, than you can by going for it.
    The only thing is that if you do go for it and she tells you to stop, you must stop and show her that you are willing to wait.
    Otherwise you’ll just come accross as being desperate and that you only want her for sex.

    To give an example, I went to a bar with a girl I met a couple days before and we where kissing and stuff.
    So I told her that I was bored with that place and that we should go to her place to have a drink.
    She thought about it for a second and then agreed.
    We went to her place and made out on the couch and after a while I had my hand just above her crotch and she had her hand on mine rubbing it and stuff, so not pulling it away or anything.
    Then when I told her I had to leave because I had to wake up early she walked me to the door and stopped at the stairs and held my hand.
    she pulled me into her and we made out some more, but I didn’t take the bait and took her upstairs, I just made out with her and went home.

    The next day she wouldn’t answer my calls or respond to my texts.
    So eventually I spoke to her about it and she said that she wasn’t looking for a relationship.
    I guess she was just looking for sex and since I didn’t take the opportunity when it was there she felt rejected and thought that I wanted a relationship so she decided to go to the next guy.

24. Bellaforte Said,

    To Shaman: I didn’t write the craigslist ad, and I agree with you that women have to actually communicate *with our partners* about what we want. Trust me, I completely agree there- that’s why I have a policy that if I can’t discuss my kinks with you asap, then there’s no point in sleeping with you.
    However, our culture still has a backlash against women who are open about liking sex )outside of the blogosphere, of course), and no woman wants to have a man she likes enough to sleep with start screaming that she’s a slut just because she wants to be tied up and told she’s one… or time him up and tell him he’s one.
    My personal solution? I mention kink a little and watch his responses. If they’re open and pleasant, then I bring it up. If they’re not, well, then, I’ll give it one more try and then go home.
    Maybe that’s not direct enough for some men, but there’s only so vulnerable I’m willing to make myself before ever actually sleeping with him.
    No, it’s not perfect. Nothing is. Some guys just totally miss the hints and tell me later they were into kink but thought I was only kidding. Some guys take even that hint and scream, ‘pervert!’. But it’s the best middle ground I’ve managed.

    Bellafortes last blog post..Amusement

25. Big_Ted Said,

    That downward spiral of touching makes sense. I suppose that’s why I see women as half-crazy men that don’t smell bad. I meet plenty of women who want to fuck. I’m just not into it. I can’t do one-nighters. Never could, either. I read this blog to see if there’s something I can identify with and this week, not only do I have to get beaten up by women, I also get beaten up verbally by a guy who’s life is more hollow than mine. The funny part is, he’s calling out from the chasm saying that it’s better in there than over here.

26. Rievenne Said,

    I’m a woman and I love sex… and can I get it… no.

    Dear god, men are so frustrating, I swear they won’t put out ever. I have a good friend who’s an admitted sex addict who has propositioned me in the past and I finally decided to take him up on it and all of a sudden he’s not interested in sex. My last boyfriend had sex with me 4 times in 4 months and got irritated when i tried to initiate it. Men are the ones that don’t like sex. It’s tragic.

    I am single, cute, and willing to try just about anything once and even when I do get a guy who’s willing to sleep with me, the idea of kink freaks them out. Clearly I’m looking in all the wrong places and I know this is turning into a rant. But I would dearly dearly love to get laid.

27. Merrick Said,

    I would never say anything specific and intend it to encompass an entire gender, but… hell yes women like sex! Women love sex, we need it, and we want it, right here, right now.

    I like sex so much that I have honestly considered entering the video pornography business, after starting out on live cam networks many years ago. Not so that I can have sex with tons of hard penises (though hey, that is a nice perk) but just so I can say, “Look! Here I am, I’m an emotionally rational, reasonably well educated woman who could work in most any industry, and I chose to have sex because I fucking love it!” Modern porn definitely encompasses the adage “do what you love and you will never work a day in your life”.

    As a woman, the ability to be open about my sexuality and appreciation thereof is definitely an empowering thing, which leads to a confident presence, which would lead to even more sex–much of it likely to be with many a random guy I’m not emotionally bonded with–were it not for the fact that I’m already attached to an awesome guy. Who I fucked on the second date, well before I really new him well enough to care about it going any further.

    The thing that gets me about women being overtly sexual is that we tend to get knocked down for it, either by others saying we can’t really mean what we’re saying, or by ourselves for feeling guilty about acting like a slut. I know too many wonderful hot chicks in commited relationships who’s male partner just does not engage them sexually like he would early on, and as a result these gals end up feeling unwanted and distraught that their love doesn’t want to bend them over and fuck them where they’re standing. That’s a sad state of affairs!

    Were I not in a relationship right now, I would have calling cards. You know, the old school type with just a name and phone number. I would carry these with me at all times, and if I ever noticed a cute guy taking notice of me, I’d flirt him up a little and–right before I walk away–lean in to whisper in his ear that I totally want him to fuck me every which way. Then hand him my card. And walk away. I’m pretty sure that being direct would get me a few phone calls, and I certainly wouldn’t worry about this random stranger thinking I might actually want to form a relationship with him (how absurd!).

    I guess the fact that, of all the relationships I’ve been in, the guy was never the one to ask *me* out on a date really says something.

    Merricks last blog post..The Stare, The Smirk [Flickr]

28. M Said,

    Thank you for pointing this out! I await for the sexually liberated society to come. We still have a long way to go.

    Some general problems I see exist:

    - Most people are not taught that sex is enjoyable, great and fun by their parents, families and teacher. Movies propagate the stupid “gentleman”, “romance” and “don’t offend the lady” idea.
    - Men are taught not to show their emotions or talk about their feelings. They’re taught that they should “deliver”. Hence you have a bunch of guys lying about their sex life and unwilling to reach out to their friends for advice. Guys, when was the last time you asked your lady friends about how women are like? And girls, please spare the wishy washy hollywood “enchanted prince” when you answer. When was the last time you told your guy friends how much it sucked when this stupid girl didn’t answer your phone call or your last unsuccessful attempt?
    - Women are routinely labeled as sluts for “being easy” or sleeping with “too many” men. As if sleeping with more or less people has any implication on the ethics of a person. Many women cannot override this and have split personalities. They’re dead to get laid but they will write it on some blog, instead of asking the guy to fuck them. Going on a date, find the guy attractive? Tell him “You’re terribly cute, I’m dying to fuck you”. Believe me, it works. Just say it after some comfort has been built, otherwise he might freak out. Want him to make a move, just ask, “When are you going to kiss me?”. See, simple. What, don’t tell me you’re afraid!
    - Women blame men for the “fear of being rejected” while sitting on their fat asses. Most women don’t realize how painful this is for most men. I suggest they go on a gay bar and try picking up a man there. Then you’ll know what it’s like for many men.
    - Some women are hypocrite, seeking ego-boosts, and take advantage of men that think that they need to do everything for them. Don’t want the guy? How about picking up the phone saying “Listen, you are a cool guy, but you’re not my type. Take care!” Also, stop acting like it’s gross that some guy is looking at your ass. Guys like asses, if you don’t them to look at yours, wear something different darling. But you do like him to look at your ass don’t you…

    Now, let’s all get to fucking and being happy!

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