A Bad Man in a Bad Place

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Usually when I write these meandering things I give you a warning that the unsexy is about to follow. Below are many deeply unsexy things. They’re true things, but deeply unsexy. It appears that I remain in an Hubristic Correction. I’ve been in one since at least August 7, but it may be even longer. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the term, an Hubristic Correction is what happens when I evince too much hubris, and generally when things start going very well and I start telling people how well things are going. The universe rolls up a newspaper and smacks me in the nose like I’m a bad puppy. It’s been happening to me lately, and it’s started to affect my mood. Here’s a rundown of things that have been going wrong, hoping that in naming them they lose some of their power. Some of this is naming, and some is venting, and some is call for advice. I have pretty great readers, not only in the comments, but many of you have taken to IMing and emailing me. If ever you thought of doing so, now’s a good time. Below is a rundown of what’s on my mind right now.

• The place where I was working part time let me know today that they wouldn’t be able to put me on the project that I thought I was going to be on. This means bad things for my finances. I’ve been loathe to put ads up on this site until now, but I think I’m going to have to start. If anyone wants to place ads on here, particularly guys in the pickup community, I’ll be happy to take ads directly. If anyone has suggestions of ways I can make money that are legal (I’m not about to go doing sex work, for instance) I’m open to the idea. I clean up nicely if anyone needs a companion or a tour guide in New York City.
• It’s now more than a week since I last heard from the Sous Chef. Calls, Texts, and an Email have gone unanswered. There’s a possibility that it’s something normal and I’m just overreacting, like she’s gone off to somewhere without cell phone service and no computers, but I don’t know. It’s made me both sad and worried - not even a “don’t ever call me again you bastard.” Just total radio silence. Kind of weird. To quote a phrase - “Dear lady, I would love to walk with you, on a beach, somewhere, for just five minutes. How strange, to have come so far, and to want so little.”
• I haven’t kissed anyone, much less done anything else, since the Sous Chef left. Haven’t been in the mood. Been missing her kiss. Met a handful of kissable women but the instinct to lean in and do that, even when drunk, hasn’t been there.
• There is a prequel to this blog, a book that I’ve been working on on and off for years. I know it won’t turn anything back quickly, but if anyone wants to take a look at it and help me whip it into shape, you can see the true backstory of how I went for Nice Boy to Bad Man.
• The Developer emailed me out of the blue and I had a minor freakout about it. Turns out she wanted to set me up on a blind date. I told her I’d be thrilled to go, but I’d just been laid off and that the Sous Chef had just broken up with me. Presumably, that’s not sexy enough for her friend, I never heard again.
• It hasn’t been a terrible summer, just a terrible end to the summer. The Weather’s nice, though.
• I recently witnessed someone say to Legs that he was a lesbian trapped in a man’s body, which was genius in its heyday of 1995. I countered that I’m a gay man trapped in a straight man’s body, and everyone laughed, and agreed. I thought I was brilliant until I saw the same reference in an earlier entry on a prior site of mine in 1999. Somehow I’m not Metro, just a gay-straight man. Strange.
• Since Muxtape went down I lost the ability to make “Bad Man - The Muxtape.” Just found one of the songs I’d forgotten - the end of the relationship with The EvilOne - “Just to prove my love for you” by David Allen Coe. The Developer - “Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad” by Moby. The Liberal - “One of these things first” by Nick Drake. SouthernBelle - “Darling Nikki” - Prince.
• I just saw a fight on Madison St in Chinatown. Ten people throwing down. It’s midday. Fights like that always get me down.
• I know that whining doesn’t help (and you don’t come here for the whining) but those of you that come here for the inner process of one man’s head will understand that sometimes bad shit happens and you need to process it. This is how I do that.
• I noticed recently that there remains a post online that tears into me. It’s been up for a few years now. I’m surprised it never got taken down, since I thought that I’d made peace with the author. Another reminder that there’s persistence of information on this here Internet. (No, I’m not going to link to it, nor identify its author. The author knows who they are, I’m sure.) This all leads back to the studies I did earlier in the year on outing and pseudonymity and identity. Again, not good.
• I tell people that I’m a nerd, because it’s true, I am. My frames of reference are often comic books, classical history, and science fiction shows. One of the panels that’s always stuck with me is a panel from the comic “Transmetropolitan.” The main character, a cross between Hunter S. Thompson and a dog-killing maniac, lost everything, and rather than getting wrapped up in the awfulness, he sees it as a beautiful thing. After the jump, the image.

“The job now is to turn this around and make it into something positive. My dad always told me that’s the only way you deal with pain; you don’t surrender, you don’t fight it, you turn it into something positive. He used to say: ‘If you are falling off a cliff, you may as well try to fly. You’ve got nothing to lose.’”

– Sheridan’s log in Babylon 5:”Whatever Happened to Mr. Garibaldi?”

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