A Bad Man in a Bad Place

1. apollo3000 Said,

   This is a great question. I think it can be analyzed by making a taxonomy of “why do people write, in general?” with evo-psych in the background. I think key concepts include anonymity, status-seeking, and attractiveness-signaling.

   1) For status and power. A straight male thing, for sure, whether looking at rich and famous screenwriters, novelists or pundits. The guys are motivated to get to the top of the heap and attract the adoring female undergrads/interns. The anonymity of sex-blogging is an obstacle to this. Those who persist anyway tend to be at the high end of males in terms of quality/quantity of sex (i.e. Lex, Badman, Jefferson); no one wants to read/write about “I had indifferent sex with my long-term girlfriend again last night” 500 times.

   2) In the service of achieving a goal. Also a straight male thing. Of the few str.m. sexblogs that exist, many exist to push the author forward, whether “I need to talk to women more/better,” “I need to get over my ex and my traumatic breakup,” “I need to get laid more” or “I want to keep track of all the women I lay” or “I want to become a getting-laid guru” (see 1).

   3) To signal one’s own attractiveness - in the classic sex-blog modes of flirtatious coquetry, half-naked pix, revelations of debauchery, this is much more the province of females who want to attract attention, or the cock-pick-posting dudes who inevitably turn out to be gay or bi.

   4) Diaristic recording of emotions, working-through of emotions, self-examination of mental states, connecting with others on the topic of one’s emotions… much more a female thing (whether straight gay or bi).

   5) Novelistic recording of the details of the world, close observation of events, often minimal attention to oneself. More of a guy thing, but tempered by anonymity (see 1)

   6) There’s also Ian McEwan: “Reading groups, readings, breakdowns of book sales all tell the same story: when women stop reading, the novel will be dead.”
   http://books.guardian.co.uk/departments/generalfiction/story/0,,1574086,00.html

   In a nutshell, for a female, merely writing about sex (signaling “I’m up for it”) attracts attention and is rewarding in itself. Whereas for a straight male, only he who is already sexually active or otherwise high-status will thereby attract positive attention — but these guys already have women and don’t necessarily need more attention — so the potential str.m. sexbloggers are limited to a) those of observational, novel-writing temperament, b) or who see blogging in service of a self-improvement goal, or c) those who are especially attracted to female blog-readers more so than to the average woman they’d meet at Starbucks. So the potential pool of sexbloggers includes many or most women, but only a certain minority of straight men.

2. Marcelle Manhattan Said,

   Apollo3000 makes a good argument. However, the one point I’d take exception to is that “for a female, merely writing about sex, (signaling ‘I’m up for it’) attracts attention and is rewarding in itself.” This sounds a teensy bit heteronormative/patriarchal to me, but more importantly it sounds inaccurate. I don’t blog to signal that I’m up for sex or want sexual attention; if I did, I wouldn’t do it anonymously. In fact, many of my readers misread my intentions that way and send me very forward emails. I never answer. I blog because I discovered sex blogs during my sexual awakening (a man’s blog, incidentally,) and went, “Hey! I’m a writer–I can do that!” It’s a chance to self-publish, as a professional writer; to build a brand around my name and career; and to work through my own internal issues surrounding intimacy and eroticism. As a writer, I didn’t choose the topic of sex; it chose me. As a person, I didn’t choose to be a writer; it chose me.

   Now. To add my own theories about the paucity of male sex bloggers: I think we can take it back to the old academic division of labor. Don’t women and gay men always outnumber straight men in the fine arts and humanities? And don’t straight men have a similar stranglehold on the hard sciences? Ex-Harvard president Lawrence Summers got his ass kicked for suggesting there was something innate behind this difference. Maybe or maybe not; but that there’s something socially mandated seems self-evident.

3. axe Said,

   hmmm maybe I write because I’m clearly not in charge. And
   I dont think my writing makes me more attractive, if anything it probably shows just how desperate I am. Still…interesting thoughts.

4. Philip Clark Said,

   Wordup Badman.

   You guys are lucky you all get to hang out in real life. I’m jealous.

   The reason men don’t write sex blogs is because blogs are lame. The internet is basically the opposite of sex.

5. Jocasta Said,

   The internet does not have to be the opposite of sex. The problem is when it’s used as a substitute. The bloggers I know are having lots of sex, myself included.

6. Neeraja Said,

   I can think of quite a few, actually…

   Sinner (http://www.blackasmysoul.com)
   Daemon (http://randomtruth.net/blog/)
   Figleaf (http://www.realadultsex.com/)
   Titus Pepper (http://lazy-philosopher.blogspot.com/)
   Prospero (http://www.wordoyster.com/weblog/)
   D’jaevle (http://bloodsexcrimson.com/)
   Shon Richards (http://erotiterrorist.blogspot.com/)
   Painhealer (http://painhealer.blogspot.com/)
   Tom Paine (http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com/)

   While the above listed writers offer varied perspectives on sex, so far as I know, all are straight males. Additionally, I will concede that the ratio of female to male bloggers is grossly uneven. I, for one, would welcome more balance.

   Admittedly, this response does not attempt to answer your question on the potential reasonings… It would take some time for me to eloquently construct my thoughts on the matter. However, I thought given the topic was brought forward, a nod to these gentleman who I read regularly might be examples for consideration in the conversation.

   ~Neeraja

7. Deity Said,

   The area of sex blogging i particularly carve out is that of the dominant male. It has always been a curiosity to me that there are so few dominants offering their perspective on SM and power exchanges. I’ve cynically suspected that one reason for that was how easy it can be to fake one’s own dominance in short, truncated CAPITALIZED e-mails and alt.com profiles, but when it comes to journalling in a regular fashion, where the volume of words needed to really garner an audience can reveal cracks, weaknesses and flaws in the facade, this medium remains unattractive to most.

   Few dominants (and maybe men in general) want to expose their vulnerabilities. They’d rather bark and demand, seeing these as the proper expressions of one’s Alpha qualities. Not really proper web journal material.

8. The Sensual Counselor Said,

   Not surprising really, since men tend to be more visually stimulated while women tend to be stimulated by language. Most erotic writing is (and always has been) written by/for women, while most visual porn has been targeted to men.

   So on the internet, most sites by/for guys tend to be heavy on pictures, sites by/for women tend to be heavy on writing.

   Of course this is an oversimplification, and some guys do read Playboy for the articles. Or the interviews.

   So guys like you have blogs, as do I (yes, I am straight, male, and I have a blog… )

   There is another factor to consider: The anonymity of the internet allows women to express themselves in ways that are considered “socially inappropriate” for women in society. While it is OK for the boys to talk about sex over beers at a bar, it is less socially acceptable for women to do the same. For the same reasons that men claim to have more (female) sexual partners than women claim to have had (male) sexual partners, even though on average the two must be equal! So the internet creates a safe way for women to express themselves.

   The Counselor

9. badinfluencegirl Said,

   Sensual Counselor: have you never heard women talk frankly amongst themselves or with trusted men? we are WAY more graphic than any man i’ve ever known. and to echo jocasta - i have lots of sex and lots of folks to talk about it with.

   “I blog because I discovered sex blogs during my sexual awakening (a man’s blog, incidentally,) and went, “Hey! I’m a writer–I can do that!” It’s a chance to self-publish, as a professional writer; to build a brand around my name and career; and to work through my own internal issues surrounding intimacy and eroticism. As a writer, I didn’t choose the topic of sex; it chose me.”

   yes. mine was dirtyboy at dirtyboy2.blogspot.com and from there it took on a life of it’s own. in fact my first post was supposed to be an email to dirtyboy as a kind of thankyou story. i started a blog and sent him the link instead.

10. The Fury Said,

    I hadn’t become aware that there aren’t a lot of us male sex bloggers until I noticed bloggers talking about it. Perhaps it is as The Sensual Counselor says, we are a more visual creature so go searching for porn more than creating written versions of it. Or maybe we’re more apt to look for female bloggers and their hot tales (and tails) than promote our own sites. LOL I’m thrilled to be a part of the few, the proud, the heterosexual male sex blogger.

11. Marcelle Manhattan Said,

    Badinfluencegirl - Right on. Mine was Monmouth, at monmouth@blogspot.com. He was written up in Cosmo UK, and I read the article going, “What’s a sex blog?” Next thing I knew, I’d caught the addiction, and was rushing home from work to wank to him every night.

    And men, I have to disagree that you’re more visual than women. I did a post about this called “Cock Blocked,” about why there isn’t more porn made for straight women. I won’t go into it all here, but my primary point was that if men don’t even notice when you’ve had a haircut, I don’t think they can call themselves “more visual.” They’ve just been conditioned to respond to certain visual cues by our culture.

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