I broke down
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I broke down and did it. It, her, the 20 year old. Definitely an ambivalent moment for me, remembering when I was 20 and envying the 30-something men who were sleeping with the girls I was crushing on, and then accepting that this is just the order of things and living with that.
The fact is, it was really good. It was uncomplicated, straightforward, and I wasn’t all in my head about what it meant or anything at all. I was totally sober, and we have just been flirting with each other for a few weeks, and that heightened the whole thing.
I know that there may be awkward repercussions of this, one or both of us may end up feeling more attached than we ought, but frankly, once in awhile, I just need an experience like this. Totally out of left field, good, and sexy. It reminded me of one Friday Night in its intensity and violence. A 20 year old who thinks she’s a masochist, who moans wildly when scratched, bitten, or restrained. It was like sex was before The New Yorker, which is to say, uninhibited.
She came over on the flimsiest of pretexts, had asked me to kiss her and throw her into a wall (I obliged), and then to have my way with her. I resisted for a full month until that morning, when I finally relented and said she could come over.
We fucked a few times, and there were a few funny moments. I’d been pointing out, time and again, that our age differential would be an issue. She assured me, over and over, that it wouldn’t, that she was ready, etc etc etc. So it came as no surprise when she looked down after riding me for awhile and said “I’m like a wild dog chasing cars, I wouldn’t know what to do when I caught one.” She was quoting the Joker back at me. While fucking me. I mean, come on. This was starting to be not fair.
We woke up late and tumbled around some more. She got up to leave, but I threw her down on the bed and had my way with her again. After that, I told her that she could go. She dressed and left, smiling.
There were conflicting reasons that I did this. Part was a tag teaming by Lex and Axe telling me that if she’s of age and this interested it would be rude not to. So peer pressure, check.
There’s the fact that I saw the Sous Chef again on Friday night and got my head fucked with a bit more. It hurt, and perhaps I used the 20 year old’s body like a bandage, her calming influence soothing me in a minute of distress.
And maybe it’s just that I wanted to and that I was self indulgent because I could be. Because she’s 20 and cute and interested, because in the last year I’ve had some really unsettling sex and I needed something sweet. I don’t have a huge description but there was a different feeling to it than to a lot of the sex I’ve had lately. Less expectations, less intensity, an uncomplicated happy event. God, I needed that.
I was resisting in part because, well, how do you say you’re “on the path to marriage” and have that comport with fucking a 20 year old who is interested in you because you didn’t flinch when she suggested some very aggressive, advanced level BDSM shit? How do you accept six pack abs who just want you to fuck them, when you’re trying to refocus your energy? It has to be ok to slip up once in awhile. I mean, this is all new territory for me. I like this girl, she’s a sweet young thing. We both know that it’s not serious, but we’re both very attracted to each other, so what’s the harm? None, I hope.
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