A Bad Man in a Bad Place

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When the movie High Fidelity came out, I went to see it with my then Best Friend. He and I watched it, and I really empathized with the main character - lots of failed attempts at love, a string of girlfriends, fucking up the relationship with the one he wanted, on and on. A guy who was good looking and brooding enough that women felt safe with him, and wanted to be with him, even when he didn’t do anything. I empathized, and at the end of the movie, I looked at my Best Friend, having seen myself, and assuming that it was an everyman type situation, I said “See anyone you recognize there?”

Instead of saying “yeah, me” he looked at me and laughed at me and said “yeah, you.”

That sucked.

Last night, TaiChi and I took in a movie - Alfie.

Watching that movie, from beginning to end, I thought “ok, this is my life.”

I watched High Fidelity when I came home - I have it on DVD. It didn’t feel the same this time. I felt more Alfie than Cusak.

Strange to define anything through movies.

After Alfie and before High Fidelity was a pit stop at Tribe. Sitting at the bar, drinking Stella, a guy came in with four girls. As I sat, he danced with them, and it was obvious that at least two of them, maybe all four, were going home with him that night.

Was that the answer? Instead of looking for one woman, look for several? It looked like he was having fun to me. But then, a small slice of a person’s day - particularly when he’s surrounded by four beautiful women and drinking, may not be the best random sample.

The guy turned to me early on and said “you look like the guy in the OC.” I’ve never seen the OC, so I didn’t think much about it but I grunted out a thanks. “You’re a handsome guy, that’s all I mean.” I had a brief second where I thought he was hitting on me, until he turned to one of the girls he was with and started grabbing her in ways that a gay man doesn’t.

In that moment, after the movie, after the comment, and after several drinks, my face got a little stony, and the bartender asked me what was wrong. I told her that I’d just seen Alfie. She said immediately that she understood. I suppose she would - she’s seen me on more dates at Tribe than, well, anybody.

I didn’t really wrestle with it that much - it sank in that I’m a good looking guy, and that’s a part of my “success” with women. I’m good looking, charming, went to the right (enough) schools, have the corporate litigator gig, the bachelor pad in the East Village. I feel like something of a charicature.

At a sex toy store just now, I went to buy lube when I realized that my cash situation might be a little bit low.

I turned to the cashier and told her that she’d have to wait until I emptied my pockets before I knew if I had any cash.

“Damn, you have a lot of junk in there.” I did, true. I had cards and receipts and cash and phone numbers for a broker, and a blackberry, cell phone, ipod, and earbuds.

I also had a lens cleaning cloth for my camera. I haven’t carried my camera in a long time.

I thought I’d be witty and charming, while stalling and looking for my cash - “I have a lens cleaner. I don’t have any lenses to clean. That’s how much crap I’ve got.”

“Yeah, well, I have lube and condoms at home and I haven’t gotten laid in years. It’s kinda the same thing.”

Ok, I’ve had the time I needed to sort out what was happening.

So I’m back, at least part time.

I need advice, by the way. I want to take some coworkers out to dinner in downtown Manhattan (below, say, 34th, so include Grammercy, Chelsea, what have you) for a dinner at a cool spot, but it has to be somewhere that serves Vegan friendly food. I don’t have an expense account, but we’re going to be spending some money here. There will be 9 or 10 of us. I haven’t thought of a place yet. Help!

Note - the way I’ve been working, it should be a place that serves good drinks, too.

Since I’m working full bore I think it’s time to go on hiatus. I have no idea how long for - could be a day, could be a month, could be that I’m done here.

Don’t know.

Just know that I’m having a really crappy day, and that this site isn’t helping me right now. Not that I’ve been keeping it up, but it’s still not what I’m looking for for my life anyway.

I’ll be back approximately when I’m back. Not a minute before, but not too far after, either.

Remember - if what you’re doing isn’t working, change what you’re doing. It may not be better than the first thing, but at least it’s something else to try.

Moxie asked me, via email, to pose this question to you lot.

It’s an interesting question - I will refrain from commenting for awhile, because I’d like to hear your reactions:

Recently, I’ve reconnected with an friend. He and I were quite close up until about 4 years ago. He lived in Boston and I lived here in the NYC. While we never crossed any lines, they certainly got blurred from time to time, as we frequently had phone sex. He had a fiancee for  years, that ended and then he immediatley (literally the night he moved out of the fiancee’s place) got involved with an ex from high school who had been looming over his relationship preparing for its inevitable ending. I was opposed to the relationship, not so much out of jealousy  (but that was certainly there), but because I felt he was pretty battered by his ex and needed time to heal. Within a few months, our daily phone conversations ended. And then, out of the blue, he just stopped communicating with me all together. He wouldn’t answer e-mails or phone calls.

Now, 4 years later, we’ve gotten back in touch. He’s married now to the ex from high school. Personally, and this is just based on gut/intuition, I don’t sense that he is fully happy being married. I can tell he loves his wife, but I can’t sense any sort of…well…passion. And this guy was VERY passionate. He apologized for abandioning the friendship and admitted-after prodding from me-that a big part of what he did had to do with the fact that his GF (now wife) was uncomfortable with our friendship. Which makes little sense to me as I lived three states away and only saw this guy once or twice a year. Typically, I’d take this as an accepted rule in life: Friends fall away when it comes to settling down. But the person I knew would have never done this. I don’t know if I can fully forgive him, and I know I will never be able to get along with his wife. But, then again, I don’t even know how solid the marriage is. My question is: How or why would he allow someone else to make such a request like the one his wife made of him? And why, knowing how valuable the friendship is, would someone walk away? Finally, what was/is the wife so threatened by that she wanted me out of his life?

At 12:45 this morning, when I finished work, I took a car to Tribe, stood hovering at the bar while NewOldBartender poured me a Chinacao (blanco, thanks), and women danced all around. Writhing twenty two year old bodies in every direction, bumping into me, rubbing their asses on me, spilling my drink.

I was meeting a friend - Angelina Jolie Lookalike, (”AJL”) - for a cocktail, and when she showed up, we each took a seat at the bar while the writhing dancers did their thing behind us. AJL and I don’t sleep together - we’re friends - I rarely sleep with my friends.

We got a little drunk. Tipsy, even. She told the bartender that she wanted to work with him and played with his hair. I sat and drank. She asked if she could crash at my house, since she lives outside the city, and it was two in the morning. I, of course, agreed, because I’m a gentleman.

We managed to get back to my house somehow, and much of what happened next is a blur. She went to the bathroom, I went to the bathroom, she asked if it was true that Sid slept in my bed for six months, and I pointed to the four foot long couch that was where she’d actually stayed, and said no, on the couch. She seemed confused for a minute, as I crawled over her to get to my side of the bed, and then we were kissing. Kissing led to nakedness, and to hours of fucking. Apparently, my cum tastes sweet. I had no idea. She’s got great curves, and I’d wanted to kiss her lips for a long time. But we were friends, and I don’t hook up with my friends.

She left at seven this morning, taking a car back to her house. It was a totally unexpected turn of events that she’d even come home with me - mostly because of who she was. For years, we talked about how we’d never sleep with each other, and how much each of us was missing by not being with the other. We’d talk about our other lovers, always telling one another that we could never have sex because we were friends and we didn’t want to just be another notch on either of our bedposts. So we went on not knowing whether the other was just blowing smoke, or really knew what we were doing.

Now we know. I think it was worth the wait.”

Last night was interesting to me. At around 4, I started getting friendster messages from a random girl whom I didn’t know, whom I wasn’t closely connected to. After we exchanged email for a few hours on friendster, we went straight to email.

By 8, I’d told her I took the Votergasm pledge.

By 9, I’d invited her to my place to watch the election on my laptop.

By 11, she was in my bed with me, watching the election, still fully clothed.

By 12, I decided not to fulfill my pledge with her - part of my new promise to myself to only sleep with women I’m super attracted to, and know something about, and like, rather than any pretty thing that walks by.

By 1, she was yawning, Kerry was basically going to lose, she was depressed, and I didn’t feel like dealing with that, so I sent her home.

I’ve heard that women have last minute resistance to wanting sex with total strangers, they don’t want to have a slutty self image, there’s danger involved, and it’s something intimate. This time, it was me with the LMR, as I just couldn’t get the interest level up high enough.

It was a very strange moment, the last time I had a girl in my bed with plans for sex that I backed out on was like, three years ago, and that was because once I got her naked I found myself less attracted than I’d been when she was clothed. This time, I didn’t even bother getting her naked, I just wasn’t interested. At all.

Getting a woman home, in bed, and agreeing to have sex with me is easy. Finding a woman that I want to do that with, since I’ve raised my standards and don’t want to just fuck everything that moves anymore, is far harder.

It wasn’t even her looks - she was cute - but she was a petite blonde, and I prefer leggy brunettes, and I just didn’t feel the urge to do anything with her. Good to know I can still get women to come home with me, though. Now I just have to find ones I like.

Michael Totten writes at Instapundit.com

ELECTION DAY REMINDERS: Let’s get a couple of things out of the way before today’s votes are counted.

You have the right to vote. You do not have the right to see the man of your choice in the White House.

If George W. Bush wins the election, the world will still spin on its axis. Canada will not grant you asylum. If John Kerry wins the election, America will still be America. Australia will not grant you asylum.

People who vote for the other guy aren?t stupid, brainwashed, or evil. They are your friends and family. Someone you love will almost certainly cancel your vote. (My wife cancels out mine.)

If, by some chance, everyone you know votes for the loser it won?t mean the election was stolen. It will only show that you live in a bubble.

If this thing is close (the victor could easily win by 0.1 percent) try not to read too much into it. We’ll still be closely divided.

If the election doesn’t go your way, don’t pop off as though America were Guatemala under the generals. You’ll get lots of attention, but it won’t be the kind you want. People will laugh, not near you but at you.

Remember that. Hope you signed the Votergasm pledge as I did, and, I hope it helps you get laid.

UPDATE: Eden voted - did you?

UPDATE: My experience was pretty easy to deal with - I got there at 9:15, signed up, went to a special line for people in my district, voted on a machine that couldn’t be more recent than 1950, and was out by 9:35. The only thing that concerns me is that they didn’t ask for any ID.

I did see a democrat handing out flyers, but he was on the corner, and the school was half a block away, plenty far away. No Repbulicans anywhere to be seen.

Vaccine Works to Prevent Cervical Cancer(nytimes - registration required):

An experimental vaccine to prevent cervical cancer, first proved effective in preliminary testing two years ago, has continued to provide protection against the disease, researchers reported yesterday.

The vaccine, which works by making people immune to a common sexually transmitted virus that causes the cancer, is not yet available. But its maker, Merck Laboratories, expects to apply for approval late next year, said Dr. Eliav Barr, a research director at the company.

I wish I had great stories to tell about Halloween, but I don’t.

Spent the weekend at my parent’s house, in my bedroom, sweating out whatever the hell cold I had. I slept for around 25 or 30 hours of the weekend altogether. I ate, I slept, I ate some more. Unfortunately, it was Indian Summer, beautiful weather, and I slept right through it.

Now that I’m totally healthy again, I think it’s time to go meet some new girls. Agreed? Good.