The Liberal's Grandmother died. Yesterday.
The Liberal's Grandmother died. Yesterday. And her brother is, briefly, coming back from the war.
I think she's got too much to deal with to have me in her life.
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The Liberal's Grandmother died. Yesterday. And her brother is, briefly, coming back from the war.
I think she's got too much to deal with to have me in her life.
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The grieving process has begun, although I don't know if we broke up or not.
I keep hearing, in my head, Goodbye, Liberal. And it makes me sad.
I'm also having a miserable Thanksgiving.
All in all, this week is sucking major ass.
Maybe the Liberal and I will find each other in six months. More likely, I'll be out of New York, on an adventure.
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I think the Liberal dumped me. Not sure, but I think so.
Updates if I'm wrong.
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I misunderstood.
She doesn't want me to change. She wants to determine if she can love someone like me. Which is interesting.
I never really thought about it that way - that you should choose who you love before you totally throw yourself in - I mean, what things about each other are so bad that you can't breathe when the other person speaks, even though you love them?
Yeah - things are falling apart. It's for the best, she's away for six months at least, her family is falling apart, and she's got residiual issues with her past.
And I've never had a real relationship before.
While I was out with her on Sunday, having a really nice day (and we were) the Jaguar called. To say that she was taking a nap, and to see what I was doing.
Christ.
And I finally found the scent of the Cuban that's haunted me for so many years. I wanted to find her perfume, to identify it so that I could own it and thus smell it whenever I wanted and dissociate it from her. I found it. And I smelled it. And I went from being Mr. Grumpypants to Mr. Smiles within like, a split second.
Things aren't good. I'm going to be philandering again before long, I think. I even entertained thoughts of taking the Jaguar home just because I need a good hard mindless fuck.
What's even more amusing is that I've never really been able to cut loose on the Liberal sexually because... I don't know... I felt more tender than animalistic towards her. Which turns her off. Figures.
If I'd treated the Liberal like I'd treated the Jaguar, I bet you dollars to donuts the Liberal would be madly in love with me. And she is, although we've got reservations. We'll see.
I will likely not attempt to remain faithful while she's away, and then try to pick up again, maybe, when she gets back. I'd like to spend the rest of my life with her, but my life's not ready for that yet. I need to be with a few more women, and get my swerve back.
I've also got things that I want to do for my fucking self, women be damned. So many things. Change careers. Change my health for the better. Self reflect on what it is that I want. Lots of things like that.
I love the Liberal. I want it to work. If we push it too hard right now, it won't.
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I've lost it.
That je ne sais quoi that I had.
That impetus to flirt with everything (attractive) in a skirt.
It's the Liberal.
She's got me on my toes.
I don't like it.
I like _her_ but I don't like what's happening to me.
I may have to end this relationship soon.
I got email from the Jaguar. Several of them, really. She's apparently done some annoying things (like sign me up for catalogues and such) and she thinks she has reason to.
She probably does. She said (paraphrased, here, of course)
"You made time for other people, but not her. You were afraid to fly when it came to any trips that I wanted to take, but you graciously went to Miami, and the Dominican for her. What else? Telling me you didn't like me, but liked $#&#(#* me. Of course I'm going to find something wrong with "the others". Even if the insults do have some truth to them."
What amazes me is that even though I know what a dirty little woman she is (and I say that with the utmost respect) she still won't write the word fuck. I know that she liked me to grab her by the ears and fuck her face, but she won't swear in an email.
The Liberal on the other hand, after seeing an exboyfried just before she left the country, suddenly changed her personality. Now it's quite a piece of work. I'm getting fed up with her calling me on every damn thing I do. It feels like walking on egg shells. It also feels like she's not attracted to me. I think she is (since she calls twice or three times a day) but it feels uncomfortable.
My plan, when she left, was to start doing those self improvement things I always wanted to do. Now? I don't know what I'm going to do.
I see her on Saturday through Tuesday. We'll see what transpires.
I do love this girl, but I'm not sure I want to date her right now. I don't know that I want to spend six more months celibate. I miss intimacy. I miss skin. I miss pussy. I miss the tingly first date feeling. I miss the hunt and the chase. I miss women who don't constantly carp on me.
But then - there _are_ a lot of things I want to improve about myself, and I _do_ love the Liberal. Love her. Big L love. Consider marrying. The whole thing.
There's got to be a happy medium somewhere.
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The Liberal is extremely smart.
I'm not used to dating smart chicks. Or, if they're smart chicks, I'm not used to engaging their minds.
This is fascinating shit.
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