A Bad Man in a Bad Place

I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with the Liberal.

One of the things I learned in my confirmed bachelor days was that if a girl starts to matter to you, you start to lose your ability to maintain a relationship with the girl, at least, at the begginning of things.

Women throw out a lot of tests at men. Most of the point of the tests is to see "ok, are you someone who has a spine, are you someone who I can love and won't turn into some sort of creepy stalker wussy boy?"

The tests change over time. In the beginning, they're little things like cancelling on the last minute. The way to respond to those tests are not to put up with them. At least, that's worked for me.

With the Jaguar, everything she demanded of me was met with "sure, whatever" and then I did exactly what I wanted anyway. She's in love with me to this day. The last time we had sex, she screamed out I Love You during sex. She heard through the grapevine that I'm in love with the Liberal, and suddenly the frequency of the calls went up. And text messages. And emails. And now that I'm not returning any of them, they've gotten nasty - last night was a particularly nasty email - in Italian (a language I don't speak) about a photograph that the Jaguar saw of the Liberal.

Which is funny to me, because even though the Jaguar is an ex lingerie model, I've always thought the Liberal was just plain beautiful. So much moreso than the Jaguar.

The Liberal and I have had a little trouble lately. Because I am deeply in love with her, I place a great deal of value on what she says and thinks about me. Or, rather, did, until I woke up and smelled the coffee.

We have had a few conversations that would go as follows:

She: Mean thing about my personality
Me: Huh. Really?
She: Meaner thing.
Me: Oh.
Her: Getting angry - meaner still.
Me: snarky comment.

See, the way to handle that isn't to go limp. It's a test. She's trying to see (as she's later explained) to see my reaction. Am I a wussy, or do I have a spine and can I laugh at it?

I do and I can, but I hadn't, because she mattered.

When a woman matters to me, I have a weird reaction. Rather than doing those things which I'd done to seduce her in the first place - being myself - being cocky - busting her proverbial balls... I start to worry, and so I tread lightly on her feelings, assuming that they matter a great deal. They do, but I can never know them, so I can't base my performance around them. Can't make my decisions based on my impression of what's in someone elses head. I know that.

That's the trouble with love.

Also - misinterpreting things -

The other day she said to me "I'm not sure that I want to be with a conservative." This statement to me meant she wanted to dump me and I went on the defensive. Mistake. First off - I shouldn't be defensive about my personality. Second - what she was saying wasn't "I want to break up with you" it was more "I'm considering the possibility of actually marrying you, settling down and having a family with you, and I'm not sure I want to do that with someone whose values aren't the same as mine." I'm too new at this love thing to have realized that at first blush, but it was such a powerful statement - saying "I love you and want to be with you, now I have to make sure that that will make me happy, too."

I don't know the answer to that one, but that's where I'm at right now. She's cooler than the Cuban in better ways, she's sexier than the Jaguar (although the Jaguar gives better blowjobs... someone give this girl a lesson... ;) ) and she's as nice as any girl I've ever dated.

This one's good. And she also proves to me that if I want to settle down with someone (if this fails) I can.
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How fast things change back to being the same as they were.

The Liberal left. She's still my girlfriend, but she's off somewhere exotic doing research for a major project. Estimated time away: too damn long, but we'll survive.

Sis came back from Paris. Emailed me several times. Left her heart in Paris. I'd conveniently mentioned that the reason I couldn't fly to Paris to spend a week with her was going on my vacation with my girlfriend. That was the last I heard from her until she got back from her trip. Heh.

The Jaguar's nuts. A few things.

First, I told her about the liberal, and that we're through. She took it... badly.

I got flowers at work about a week later. And a card. And a chippendales calendar. And magnum condoms.

and I, of course, blamed one of my coworkers, because really, the jaguar's life doesn't enter into my mind at all. I'm a bad person. I'll live.

Eventually, she emailed me, to say "hey, can we at least still be friends." I said whatever. She admitted the flowers were hers. I tried to figure out what the hell she was talking about, since it was months later.

I was nice to her.

Big mistake.

She started calling me after midnight again "hey just wanted to know what's up." Ugh. I know, I know, the blowjobs were amazing, and so was the sex. And not giving a shit about the girl meant that I could do whatever I liked to her, and if she had a problem with it, well, whatever. So I did. I indulged my every whim. The more I indulged myself, taking what I wanted and only giving her things that she wanted very rarely, and when it suited me, the more deeply she fell for me. There's a lesson there.

The lesson is one I need to learn with the Liberal, who accused me of being Nice. Yuck. When we're fucking, I don't always just do what I want to do with her. It's a little harder, the jaguar is 100lbs, tops, while the liberal is 130 and muscular. Harder to move around, but not impossible. The fact that I haven't treated her the way I treated the jaguar is because I really like her, and it isn't working. So we're going to try something else.

Well, it's been working. When she left for her plane, she admitted that she loved me. That's a good thing. But I hate being a weenie boy, so I won't be.

Oh - and I got my test results back. No HIV for me. HIV negativity. HIV-. hooray.

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